The Woodbridge Job
by Mr. Towel
Summary: Its a spoof of the italian job, with me and my friends as the main charecters, some of the jokes are only understandable by us, so if u dont get them, i apologize


Disclaimer: I do not own the italian job, i do not own towlie (wish i did) i do not own any of the songs in this fic  
  
so, on with the show   
  
(o and my friend sarah did most of the first half)  
  
****************************************************************************************************************************  
  
Main Characters (in alphabetical order)  
  
Nick Bartholemew (Spud) - guns and cars  
  
Sarah Cosgriff (Scossy) - picking locks, untying knots, aircraft, and drives one of the cars  
  
Richard Cottrell (fatass)- bodyguard and maths - traitor  
  
Oly Howse (Targit) - explosives and head of the group, who drives one of the cars  
  
Edd Payne (Blokie) - computers and everything about them  
  
Jackie Randall (Wacko Jacko/Wackie Jackie) - hacking and research  
  
Robin Webb - breaking into safes and sailing boats (something unfortunate happens)  
  
(Notice that the traitor, Richard, is different from all of them - he's in Seckford)  
  
Woodbridge School: The English Job  
  
Oly: This is gonna be interesting.  
  
Sarah: I'm writing this, shuddap. Now...errr...we need a storyline.  
  
Edd: I want to kiss Jackie.  
  
Oly: We know.  
  
Sarah: Enter...jackie...we need a Romeo and Juliet scene.  
  
*Scene changes*  
  
Jackie: Oh Edward, oh Edward, where art thou?   
  
Edd: *finds a ladder* I'm coming...BOO!  
  
Jackie: Aaah! Oh, it's you...errr...hi. *blushes*  
  
Nick: This is interesting...not. We need Oly and Sarah in this scene really.  
  
Sarah: *glares* Leave them be. Fine...I'll get another scene.  
  
*Scene changes*  
  
Nick: You chose me to be Ron Weasley out of all the people in the world.  
  
Sarah: What? Ginger hair, freckles, tada!  
  
Oly: He needs to be the Nabster from the Italian Job.  
  
Sarah: Fine. We'll be a parody on the Italian Job then.  
  
Jackie: Make up your mind.  
  
*Scene changes*  
  
Sarah: But it will be slightly different - our style.  
  
Oly: I am the master of the plans, the Charlie...hehe. I am the master of explosives.  
  
Edd: I'm the master of challenges of the mind. I control the computer system like a pro.  
  
Nick: I'm the sniper of the gang. And driving cars is fun too.  
  
Jackie: I'm a researcher. I like libraries and lucozade...and of course, laptops. I meet Edd in an internet cafe.  
  
Sarah: I follow after my father...wait, no I don't...  
  
Richard: I suddenly appear. I'm the bodyguard who betrays everyone...with no imagination. I do a lot of maths.  
  
Robin: I can break into safes.  
  
Scene One: Tower Bridge, London  
  
Richard: Robin, I'm in.  
  
Robin: Good. Go ahead. You know Oly, you are a genius.   
  
Oly: I know.  
  
Richard: It's in place.  
  
Oly: I'm so glad I was able to find that bomb. Robin can do his magic.  
  
Nick: *polishing his rifle* So, hooked up with Scossy yet, Oly?  
  
Oly: Nah. I'm concentrating on the plan. She's a nice girl to date, I guess. But not too interested at the moment.  
  
Nick: You love her.  
  
Oly: No I don't...*thinks* crap, how did he know?  
  
Edd: Richard, is the square to the sizes I described?  
  
Richard: Yup. I think so anyways...  
  
Edd: He's more dyspraxic than me...I can tell that...  
  
Richard: Done. And I'm out. *swings out, and gets stuck through the window* Bugger. Err...* slowly squeezes out*  
  
I'll be out in 10 minutes...  
  
*10 minutes later*  
  
Richard: Done. Now do your job Targit.  
  
Oly: Mwhahaha...BOOM!  
  
*bomb explodes, making the safe fall 5 floors*  
  
Oly: ...Nice. Do your stuff, Robin.  
  
*scene: after the escape - celebrate!*  
  
Robin: And I owe it to all to Oly. But he really needs a girlfriend.  
  
Oly: Thank you Robin. I'll call up Scossy...  
  
Nick: So...what do you guys want to do with your money?  
  
Edd: Err...probably set up an internet cafe and make some viruses. Get a girlfriend. I am NOT stealing the   
  
Nabster's idea with the stereo.  
  
Nick: Good idea, but boring.  
  
Edd: Fine. I'll buy microsoft then.  
  
Nick: You won't have enough money for that.  
  
Edd: Damn...FINE! I'll just get an awesome laptop with upgrades and such.   
  
Nick: What about you, Targit?  
  
Oly: I want to buy the playboy mansion.  
  
Nick: Niiiiiiiiiice...  
  
Oly: Try to get Sarah's affections...the lot.   
  
Nick: I want a nice rifle. And my own shooting range.   
  
Edd: It's like shooting with the CCF...the good old days.  
  
Nick: And a nice car to impress some chicks. *starts up car* let's go.  
  
Robin: I want...a nice boat.  
  
*car drives along for a few miles then a car comes in front of it*  
  
Nick: Idiots. Probably Australians driving on the wrong side of the road.  
  
Oly: Hey, Sarah's half Australian!  
  
Nick: And we wanted to know because...  
  
Richard: *clicks rifle* Hands up people.  
  
*people come through the snow and show their rifles*  
  
Oly: Lucky for us, there happens to be a lake right there...and oxygen masks.  
  
Towlie: *walks in from screen right where nobody noticed him be4* Don't forget to bring a towel!  
  
Edd: You wanna get high?  
  
Richard: *shoots at Edd but misses*  
  
Towlie: Sorry, wrong movie. I must have got high and wondered onto the wrong set...if you lemme get high,   
  
I'll remember where I'm supposed to go... *lights a joint, and we can hear the popeye music start up*  
  
Richard: get out of here u stupid towel  
  
towlie:ur stupid  
  
Richard: Ur stupid  
  
Henchman No 1:Ur a Towel  
  
Towlie: Ur a Towel  
  
Richard: What, that makes no sense  
  
Towlie: *no longer there*  
  
Richard: ARGh, I'm confused. Robin, prepare to die. *bang*  
  
Robin: *eyes wide open* That was NOT enough time to prepare! *passes out*  
  
Oly: ....RUNNNNN!   
  
Edd: Always remember, when you have to run...take your most loved possession with you...ie computer.  
  
Oly: TNT, check...fireworks, check...loads of explosives...check...good good, I'm off.  
  
Nick: MY BEAUTIFUL RIFLE!!! HE'S GOT MY RIFLE!  
  
Edd: Then just bring your ammo and your life.  
  
Nick: AND HE'S GOT MY CAR, THE MO-  
  
Bridge: *craaaaaaaaaack* This is the time when I let the car fall, with all their possessions.  
  
Oly: And oxygen masks...JUMP! *grabs Robin*  
  
*all fall into water*  
  
Oly: May I ask, where did that bridge come from?  
  
Nick: Shuttap and put this oxygen mask on.  
  
Oly: Where's Robin?  
  
Nick: You idiot, you left him up there.  
  
Oly: ...Bugger.  
  
8camera zooms out a bit, and Towlie's sitting next 2 them*  
  
Towlie: When you get out of the water, you'll need an extra towel to dry off, oryou'll be alllllllllll wet.  
  
Nick: Not you again...   
  
Edd: Incoming!  
  
*guns shoot at the water*  
  
Nick: Don't move...whatever you do.  
  
Towlie: U wanna get high  
  
Nick: NO, WE DONT WANNA GET HIGH, NOW FUCK OFF TOWLIE  
  
Edd:(quietly) i wanted 2 get high  
  
Towlie:Welll, I'm gunna get a little high  
  
Edd: Pass the dooby on the left side  
  
Towlie: *gone*  
  
Edd: I'm not being sarcastic, but I feel really scared...  
  
Oly: I need to have fire.  
  
Nick: We're in water, and we have oxygen masks.  
  
Edd: And freezing are arses off.  
  
Nick: ...true.  
  
Richard: Nah, I think they would be dead. Don't waste your ammo. Get the gold.  
  
Nick: They take my rifle, they take my car, NOW the bastards take my gold!  
  
Edd: They don't have your life, be thankful.  
  
*enemy drives off*  
  
Nick: JEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS this is cold.  
  
Edd: My laptop is ruined.  
  
Oly: I don't think my explosives work.  
  
Nick: And Robin has no pulse...  
  
Oly: ....Bugger. Life's a bitch.  
  
Edd: So f-  
  
Nick: Don't you start. *sigh*  
  
*Ten years later*  
  
Edd: I'll just walk conviniently into this internet cafe.  
  
Jackie: Dum dee dum...waitor, more lucozade please.  
  
Waitor: Certainly, Miss Randall.  
  
Jackie: Thanks...I feel so lucky being a regular customer. They like me that way.  
  
Edd: *spots Jackie* Can I sit here?  
  
Jackie: *blushes* Err sure.  
  
Edd: I'm Payne, Edd Payne. Known as Eddie.  
  
Jackie: Hi...I'm Jackie Randall.  
  
Edd: How often do you come here?  
  
Jackie: Everyday...I sound like a geek, don't I?  
  
Edd: Nah, you sound like a hot chick spending her time well.  
  
Jackie: *blushes* Thank you.  
  
Waitor: Lucozade, m'am.  
  
Jackie: Thank you. *pays waitor*  
  
Edd: Lucozade...interesting.  
  
Jackie: Energy boost. Not nice if you have nothing to use your energy on.  
  
Edd: I see...do you believe in love at first sight?  
  
Jackie: I dunno...  
  
Edd: Or should I walk past again?  
  
Jackie: *blushes*  
  
Nick: *enters* Sorry to bother you Edd...but Targit's going to talk to Scossy.  
  
Edd: This will be a scene.  
  
Nick: And Scossy is not gonna be to good to talk to...  
  
*scene changes to Sarah's office*  
  
Sarah: I said go away...do I have to tell you again?  
  
Pizza boy: Come on...  
  
Sarah: I SAID I wanted margerita, but oh no, you gave me american style. SHOO!  
  
Pizza boy: A pizza will come along shortly, m'am.  
  
Sarah: Good. NOW OUT!  
  
Oly: Today was the day I shouldn't have come in, I guess.  
  
Sarah: What the hell do you want?  
  
Oly: *thinks*...She is SO on her period...  
  
Sarah: Answer me!  
  
Oly: Sarah, it's me, Oly.  
  
Sarah: Oh...*softens up into a sweet smile* hi. Can I help you?  
  
Oly: Robin died 10 years ago, right?  
  
Sarah: Yes.  
  
Oly: Can you help us get our own back?  
  
Sarah: ...Maybe. What skills do I have? Untying knots and picking locks???  
  
Oly: The skills none of us have. *cough*  
  
Sarah: Are you mocking me, Oly?  
  
Oly: Nooooo...of course not...*looks innocent*  
  
Sarah: Out my office, Howse, I am not in the mood for this.  
  
Oly: *thinks* Surname calling...PERIOD ALERT!  
  
Sarah: Did you not hear me?  
  
Oly: I have explosives, I don't think I did.  
  
Sarah: ...Damn you. Please pretty please go away?  
  
Oly: Fine. But I'll *accidently* drop my card in case you want to call me.  
  
Sarah: Ooooh...pretty card...  
  
*Oly exits*  
  
Oly: She'll call us, I'm sure.  
  
Nick: They won't take my rifle again...mark my very words.  
  
Edd: And they won't ruin my laptop. Do you mind if Jackie helps?  
  
Nick: What skills do you have, Jackie?  
  
Jackie: I can type pretty damn fast when I'm on lucozade.  
  
Nick: Can you hack?  
  
Jackie: ...Admittingly, yes.  
  
Oly: Good good. A female version of Edd.  
  
Edd: A hot female version of Edd. *winks*  
  
Jackie: Stop it, stop it...you're making me blush.  
  
Nick: *groans* Let's get outta here. I want some jaffa cakes.  
  
Oly: Can't we have pizza instead?  
  
Nick: ...Fine.  
  
Edd: Why pizza?  
  
Oly: Sarah gave me the idea...  
  
*next scene, pizza place*  
  
Nick: Mmmm...pizza. But I prefer jaffa cakes. *looks strangely at Oly* Why is your leg vibrating, Oly...  
  
Oly: *raises eyebrows and grins evilly*  
  
Nick: ....  
  
Oly: Don't worry, it's only my phone!  
  
Nick: ...you got me scared for a second.  
  
Oly: *answers phone* Hello?  
  
Sarah: Count me in.  
  
Oly: Edd, you owe me five quid.  
  
Edd: Damn... *hands over a five pound note and scowls*  
  
Oly: I told you so Edd...now listen Sarah. Meet up at Big Ben tomorrow at 11am.  
  
Sarah: That's a bit...late.  
  
Oly: I sleep in. That is early for me.  
  
Sarah: ...No wonder. *hangs up*  
  
*Big Ben: 10:59:40am*  
  
Sarah: Where are they...hmm...  
  
Nick: We have exactly 15 seconds remaining.  
  
Oly: We need that gold to get a better car.  
  
Nick: Shuddap...I like it.  
  
*car skids and stops right in front of Sarah*  
  
Nick: That was fun.  
  
Oly: I almost wet myself...note the sarcasm.  
  
Jackie: You could have killed lappy if we crashed!  
  
Nick: Lappy? What the f-  
  
Edd: It's her laptop.   
  
Nick: Makes sense...*raises his eyebrows* Let's go.  
  
Sarah: You're ten seconds late.  
  
Oly: Are not!  
  
Nick: She's right.  
  
Oly: Shuddap, I'm trying to win the fight...and eventually lose it on purpose to her liking.  
  
Jackie: My advice: don't.  
  
Oly: Here's our crew...this is Spud.  
  
*flashback to CCF*  
  
Teacher: Bullseye again, Bartholemew!  
  
Young Nick: YES!  
  
Oly: *commentary* He had always been a first class shot -   
  
Nick: MARKSMAN FIRST TIME!  
  
Oly: I was always second class, and I had to put up with that. Marksman first time.  
  
*end flashback*  
  
Oly: He always eats quavers and jaffa cakes, hence the hair.  
  
Nick: I don't want it going black, thank you.  
  
Edd: Right...  
  
Oly: Edd here was just the genius with computers, and somehow hacked into the pentagon once.  
  
Edd: ...Accidently. *COUGH*  
  
Oly: Jackie has spent hours in an internet cafe drinking lucozade. She is paid to do that for research...but   
  
she has to pay for the lucozade.  
  
Jackie: I get 50 percent off...nerr.  
  
Oly: What's the difference? You still have to pay.  
  
Jackie: Oh, fork off! *crosses arms*  
  
Edd: Oly...  
  
Oly: Sowwie.  
  
Sarah: And what about you?  
  
Oly: Me? Playing with matches as a kid...you know...my parents handed me a matchbox and said 'have fun'.   
  
Collecting lighters...and my first great incident was the mini dynamite...in a locker.  
  
*flashback*  
  
*Locker walls blow out, and Oly laughs*  
  
Mr Ringer: HOWSE, HEADMASTER'S OFFICE!  
  
*end flashback*  
  
Oly: But I have never set off a fire alarm. Wow.  
  
Sarah: You had your great moments. The only great moment I've ever had was flying in a red arrow...with a cadet.  
  
*flashback*  
  
Sarah: THIS - IS - AWWWWWWWWESOME!  
  
Cadet: Totally...  
  
*end flashback*  
  
Sarah: So I could do some helicopter flying, I suppose.  
  
Oly: Richard thinks we're all dead. He hasn't met you for years and years.  
  
Sarah: Do I HAVE to?  
  
Nick: Yes.  
  
Sarah: Fine. What's the plan...  
  
Edd: Somehow bump into him and make him fall for you. Make sure he asks you out for a date.  
  
Sarah: I am not going to date that git again.  
  
Oly: What? Was two months hell?  
  
Sarah: I suffered the consequences. Afterwards.  
  
Nick: And remember, wear a yellow and green scarf.  
  
Sarah: Damn scum...  
  
Edd: And sound like a Norwich girl.  
  
Sarah: Damn scum...  
  
*Buttermarket in Ipswich*  
  
Sarah: La di da...oooh...Richard Cottrell...how many years has it been? *smiles evilly* Time to get phase one into  
  
action.  
  
*walks along, looking like she doesn't notice Richard, and they collide into each other*  
  
Sarah: My shopping bags!  
  
Oly: *through ear piece* Nice one.  
  
Richard: I am SO sorry! *picks up stuff* Here. I am really sorry.  
  
Sarah: Thank you so much...what can I do for you in return?  
  
Richard: In return for what?  
  
Sarah: For helping me. Perhaps a coffee?  
  
Richard: Hmmm...doesn't sound like a bad idea.  
  
*coffee shop*  
  
Sarah: Two coffees.  
  
Waitress: Black or white?  
  
Sarah: White for me.  
  
Richard: Black.  
  
Oly: He still has no imagination...he's supposed to order what the girl has...geez...  
  
Richard: So, what brings you to Ipswich? Do you live here?  
  
Sarah: No! Well I'm here for a little bit of shopping and visiting some relatives. I live in Norwich.  
  
Richard: Canaries scarf?  
  
Sarah: Yeah...I've had it for years. My uncle has always confused me, he tells me the wrong players and stuff...  
  
I know it's all wrong...he has a memory disorder...so I have always watched them and not know the players and stuff...  
  
Richard: Oh...been to any matches?  
  
Sarah: Yeah. The last one I went to was Peterborough versus Canaries. Shame they lost, hmm?  
  
Richard: Canaries will have their comeback.  
  
Oly: How did she know about the match?  
  
Edd: Research, duh! This is why we have Jackie.  
  
Jackie: I can find anything.  
  
Waitress: Here are your coffees. One pound fifty, please.  
  
Richard: I'll pay for it.  
  
Sarah: Are you sure? I was supposed to. *sweet smile*  
  
Oly: *starts laughing hysterically*  
  
Richard: Yeah, I'm sure. You seem familiar to me...  
  
Edd: Uh oh.  
  
Richard: Like a model out of a magazine...  
  
Edd: Phew.  
  
Richard: I'm sure I've seen you somewhere...  
  
Sarah: Actually, I work for BT.  
  
Oly: *laughs harder*  
  
Nick: Nice excuse. It's not actually that funny...  
  
Edd: Oly, shuddap, she's gonna get distracted.  
  
Richard: Would you like to meet me at the Beefeater some time? They have really good food there.  
  
Edd: He still has a taste in food, but this time he actually eats some.  
  
Sarah: I've been there before. The one right next door to The Oyster?  
  
Richard: The very one.  
  
Sarah: Time?  
  
Richard: 7:00 tomorrow night?  
  
Sarah: I'll think about it.  
  
Richard: Here's my number.  
  
Sarah: *looks at card* Thank you.  
  
Richard: What's your name?  
  
Sarah: Jackie. Jackie - err - Beaumount. My father was french.  
  
Jackie: OI! MY NAME!  
  
Edd: Lucky she didn't say Randall...  
  
*next scene: the ensemble of cars*  
  
Nick: This one's nice...but no. Ooooh a jaguar!  
  
Edd: How much money do you think we have?  
  
Nick: ...point. But nice leather seats!  
  
Oly: We need a cheap car. Just as not as cheap as a mini.  
  
Jackie: And it has to be English.  
  
Sarah: A ford! They were the first cars on the road.  
  
Oly: Model?  
  
Sarah: Errr...fiesta.  
  
Oly: Small dammit!  
  
Nick: Fine, we'll take the minis. I know it copies the Italian Job, but life's not fair sometimes.  
  
Edd: *eyes widen* A jetski? *smiles* Can I please try it out?  
  
Jackie: We'll meet you at the hotel.  
  
*some hours later, the group were having fun at the pool....Edd still was at jetskiing*  
  
Nick: I bet you can't swim as fast as me!  
  
Oly: You win. I can't be bothered.  
  
Nick: You're no fun. Sarah?  
  
Sarah: Thanks to stupid Ipswich doctors, I couldn't swim for 3 years. I'm bad at swimming.  
  
Nick: Jackie?  
  
Jackie: What? I'm playing with my laptop.  
  
Nick: *sulks* Fine. *swims off by himself*  
  
*Oly gets out of the pool and dries himself off and lies down. Sarah gets out and looks at him*  
  
Sarah: That's my seat.  
  
Oly: There's room for two! *wink*  
  
Sarah: If you say so. *sits down as Oly budges up, and he puts his arm around her*  
  
Oly: Are you single?  
  
Sarah: Richard asked me out to dinner, and I haven't said anything. No one has done that for a while.  
  
Oly: Wanna go out to dinner with me after the job?  
  
Sarah: I suppose...  
  
Oly: *kisses cheek* I have - errr - liked you for some time, Sarah.  
  
Sarah: I know. Nick told me.  
  
Oly: ....Nick...  
  
*Edd goes past the swimming pool, and tries to go in, but fails taking Sarah's clothes on the side...*  
  
Edd: Errrr...sorry Sarah...AHHH!  
  
*goes up a ramp and lands in a big bin*  
  
Oly: Clever.  
  
Sarah: I'm in a bikini and you have taken all my clothes and my towel!  
  
Towlie: Don't forget to bring a towel!!!  
  
Nick: Argh, No  
  
Towlie: If somebody comes by on a jetski and takes all ur clothes u'll need an extra towel do u dont get alllll wet  
  
Jackie: YAY Towlie  
  
*Edd climbs out of the bin*  
  
Edd: Yay towlie  
  
Edd: You shouldn't have left them there Scossy..  
  
Sarah: *more angry* SO???  
  
Edd: Just wash them and wait til they're dry...  
  
Towlie: If you want 2 make ur clothes dry faster, rub em ona towel first, untill they stop dripping  
  
Edd & Jackie: You tell her Towlie  
  
Sarah: Towlie, who the hell are you I didnt write you in this script  
  
Edd: They're filming south park the second movie over there*points to the left, which the camera pans over to, and   
  
suddenley, its in the title screen of southpark*  
  
*Ike flys towards the sign, and the camera pans back to the gang*  
  
Edd:Towlie keeps getting high and accidently wondering over here, all the more fun for me and Jackie  
  
Towlie; You wanna get high?  
  
Jackie and Edd: YES TOWLIE we wanna get high  
  
*towlie pulls out a jay and lights it, when he takes his first puff we hear the popeye music, he's just about to hand the   
  
jay to Jackie, when the camera pans over to Oly and sarah*  
  
Oly: I'll go back into the hotel and get you some clothes. You can have my towel for now.  
  
*The camera pans back to Jackie and Edd who are looking confused over where Towlie disappeared to*  
  
*The camera then goes back to Oly and Sarah*  
  
Sarah: Thank you. At least SOMEONEis a gentleman.  
  
Nick: *pulls himself up onto the side of the pool* Clever, Blokie. Oooh...hello...*raises eyebrows at the girl that walks  
  
past*  
  
Girl: Hi.   
  
Nick: Bartholemew, Nicholas Bartholemew.  
  
Oly: His friends call him Spud, thats the shape of his....  
  
Girl: Right...well bye then. *walks off, uninterested*  
  
Oly: Target he shoots at.  
  
Nick: OLY!  
  
Oly: She wasn't interested at all.  
  
Sarah: I agree. Sorry Nick.  
  
Oly: And you told Sarah how I felt! I wanted to tell her! *walks off into the hotel angrily, off to get clothes for Sarah*  
  
Sarah: I bet he'll make me wear clothes that make me look sexy.  
  
Jackie: He likes you too much.  
  
Sarah: Well...he is a gentleman sometimes...he can be sweet....he's interested...and no one's interested in me!  
  
Nick: I need a girlfriend really.  
  
Sarah: You have one in Oxford...  
  
Nick: yes...... the one in Oxford, Well...times change, don't they?  
  
Jackie: Stay loyal.  
  
Nick: Ok, ok. I need to visit her some time.  
  
Sarah: I'll fly you up there...  
  
*planning after swimming*  
  
Edd: I seriously smell. *sigh*  
  
Oly: I have all the bombs we need.  
  
Nick: Now...people...remember what you have to do. Oly, you put the bombs in this room *appears on the computer*  
  
and Edd will tell you where and when.  
  
Oly: Gotcha. Now Nick will be here *appears on computer* to be ready to get the gold. Same with Sarah, and me   
  
when I get out of there. Edd will be driving my car in the mean time...but he moves across when I get there.  
  
Edd: Ohhh...damn.  
  
Oly: We drive off. Jackie, remember - try to keep the electronic systems shut down - stupid Richard put everything,  
  
including alarms, to be controlled by his computer. He's made it hard for anyone, anyone at all, to hack into it.  
  
Jackie: Oooh...he has a stereo...what did you say? The last thing I got was that everything was controlled by his   
  
computer.  
  
Nick: Did you hack into it?  
  
Jackie: Yes...and?  
  
Oly: Bloody hell. Not even Edd could do that.  
  
*at night, ready to steal gold*  
  
Jackie: I have downloaded everything we want.   
  
Sarah: Sucker...he doesn't realise that his date will never show up...  
  
Edd: So what's the difference between now and any other date he's ever been on?  
  
Nick: Bad news people...there's a party. We cannot look obvious.  
  
Oly: CRAP. *looks angry* I have waited ages to get these bombs started! I mean come on, I got them cheap from   
  
Ebay!  
  
Edd: Go on the date and ask for another one.  
  
Jackie: Another bomb?  
  
Edd: No jackie, another date *laughs* you're crazy  
  
Jackie: *laughs* You too  
  
Sarah: I suppose...  
  
Oly: *looks very angry* And I wanted the date never to happen! Oops, shouldn't have said that...  
  
Sarah: It's nice to know you're jealous. But I don't want to go on this either.  
  
Oly: *sulks and puts arms around Sarah into a tight hug*  
  
Edd: Aww...  
  
Jackie: Your reservations are still at 7...go now, you can get there on time.  
  
Sarah: Thank god I brought a dress and it's a van.  
  
Oly: I'll help you get dressed if you want...  
  
Sarah: No. Boys, get in the front, I'll dress here in the back thank you.  
  
Jackie: I need to stay here though. Battery for Lappy.  
  
Nick: Try not to use too much.  
  
Sarah: Fine! Oly can stay here I suppose...  
  
Oly: Yay!  
  
*Nick shuts window between the front and Oly and Sarah*  
  
Sarah: Ah well. I like you as well, Oly.  
  
Oly: *comes closer* Sooo...what are you doing tomorrow? It's a sunday. How about we go out for lunch?  
  
Sarah: Sounds like a good idea. Where?  
  
*Nick coughs loudly in the front*  
  
Nick: Thanks Jackie...you made my evening worthwhile...  
  
*Sarah takes off top and slips dress on*  
  
Sarah: You weren't looking were you...  
  
Oly: *draws nearer* But you have such a beautiful body...  
  
Sarah: *Takes jeans and socks off from underneath* If you say so...  
  
Oly: *draws as close as possible* But it's true.  
  
Edd: *snickers* Thanks Jackie...a lot...  
  
Jackie: My pleasure. *blushes*  
  
Nick: Why has it gone quiet back there?  
  
Edd: Whatever you do, don't disturb them.  
  
Nick: Let's roll.  
  
Edd: looks like they're doing enough rolling for the 5 of us  
  
*van starts up and they're off to the restaurant and make sure Richard is not in sight*  
  
Sarah: See you tomorrow, 11 o'clock. *winks* See ya Oly.  
  
Oly: *dazed* Bye...  
  
*van doors slam shut and they drive away. The people in the front start laughing*  
  
Nick: Soooo...get up to anything?  
  
Oly: ...Maaaaaaaaaaybe...  
  
Edd: So she has a 'beautiful body' now, has she?  
  
Oly: ...Maaaaaaaaaaybe...  
  
Jackie: SPILL!  
  
Oly: It's me to know and you to find out. But she is a good kisser...  
  
Edd: Knew it.  
  
Nick: Bingo.  
  
Jackie: And they call it puppy love...  
  
Oly: Yeah, I love that girl.  
  
Nick: *cheers* Go Oly!  
  
Jackie: It's your birthday...  
  
Oly: Shuddap Wacko Jacko...  
  
Edd: Oy  
  
*van stops sharply at a red light, making Oly fall forward*  
  
Oly: Oi!   
  
Jackie: I like it. I am wacky...I'm jackie...  
  
Edd: I meant dont tell her to shut up.  
  
Oli: oh, okay  
  
Nick: *frowns slightly* Where do you guys wanna go for dinner?  
  
Oly: Chinese takeaway? We need to actually sort of...erm...need to keep an eye on Sarah...  
  
Jackie: Puppy love...  
  
Edd: Propose to her!  
  
*everyone looks strangely at him*  
  
Oly: ARE YOU CRAZY? We're not even bloody dating! Well, sort of.  
  
Jackie: Her saying yes is as probable as Nick not been able to shoot a bullseye.  
  
Nick: Damn right!  
  
Edd: Or a stollery eye!  
  
Nick Damn rig... HEY  
  
Oly: But you got to agree, we have to, just in case she screws up or something.  
  
Nick: You're saying your *girlfriend* will screw up? That's nice...  
  
Oly: Come on, Nick! Anyone can under pressure! What if he recognises her???  
  
Edd: Oly has a point, actually.  
  
Nick: But she has changed...  
  
Oly: *drifts off* Yeah...  
  
Edd: Just get a chinese takeaway and I'll see if I can hack into any cameras or anything.  
  
Nick: Are there any cameras in the Beefeater?  
  
Edd: There are now...  
  
Jackie: Little invention of mine. It's tough...  
  
*a little walking gadget appears in her hand*  
  
Jackie: ...She's know it's us. It can easily be disguised as anything. Problem is it can't do it while it's away from me,  
  
cause I have to disguise it myself...  
  
Oly: Send it in.  
  
*7:10*  
  
Richard: You know you're pretty...  
  
Oly: *looks at the screen in an angry way* She does! Well she should know...  
  
Sarah: Um...thanks?  
  
Nick: Scossy, show interest, we need another date...  
  
Jackie: Don't we look kinda suspicious in the car park?  
  
Edd: Notice the label.  
  
*on the outside on the van, it has the letters 'FARLINGAYE'*  
  
Oly: Oi! Off my biatch's hands, fat arse!  
  
*everyone looks at Oly*  
  
Sarah: I'll have a coke thanks...  
  
Richard: Oh come on. You look like you've been busy down at err - where do you work?  
  
Oly: BT for the love of god!  
  
Sarah: BT.  
  
Jackie: You see, men seem interesting when they actually remember stuff. Richard = thicko at the moment.  
  
Richard: Ah. Well you look tired - come on, have a little alcohol. You look like you need the stuff...knock yourself  
  
out -  
  
Oly: Literally. That's what he wants...  
  
Nick: Shut up Oly.  
  
Richard: After all, I'm paying the bill.  
  
Sarah: I'll still have a coke, thank you.  
  
Oly: That's my girl!  
  
Edd: Oly. Do us a favour...and shut up?  
  
Oly: *sulks* Fine...  
  
Richard: I'll have a glass of red wine.  
  
Nick: This isn't Richard. This isn't the Richard we knew...red wine?  
  
Richard: Wait...I remember where you're from...did you ever change your name?   
  
Sarah: No, not to what I know...I've always had that name.  
  
Jackie: He's onto us. He is SO onto us.  
  
Edd: Touch wood!  
  
Nick: Shut up you two...but I have a feeling you're right...we've blown it.  
  
Oly: This is EXACTLY what happened in the new Italian Job.   
  
Richard: *grabs Sarah's wrist* You're not working with BT. Who do you work for?  
  
Sarah: Let go! *unhooks his hand by pulling back a finger hard*  
  
Richard: Ow! I remember someone who was able to do that. She was about your age and looks like you.  
  
Oly: Guys...give me a ear piece linked to that. If he finds out, I'll pounce on him.  
  
Nick: Go. *hands ear piece*  
  
*Oly goes out the van*  
  
Edd: We're officially...screwed.  
  
Jackie: Fork.  
  
Richard: You are...yes...I remember you...how could I ever forget your touch...  
  
Sarah: *stays calm* I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Richard: You dated me for two months...hello, Miss Cosgriff.  
  
Nick: Jackie, stay here, Edd, with me...  
  
*Oly appears behind Richard as Richard grabs Sarah's wrist again*  
  
Sarah: Get off me! *struggles to break free*  
  
Oly: *growls* Leave her alone, Cottrell.  
  
Richard: *hands off* You don't work for BT.  
  
Sarah: So what?   
  
Nick: Hello, Richard. Been some years, hasn't it?  
  
Oly: You're actually eating...and still have that good taste in food.  
  
Sarah: I work with them, if you don't mind.  
  
Richard: I don't, actually. I know the whole plan. And just for you to know, I'm moving all the gold tomorrow...  
  
Oly: Exactly like the Italian Job. This time, we are screwed.  
  
Richard: Now bugger off all of you! And you were a terrible date. Completely terrible. Worse than my last one,   
  
Britney Spears. *shuffles out*  
  
Edd: didn't we ever tell him that was a blow up doll?  
  
Waitor: OI! You need to pay your bill! *runs after Richard, and a gun shot is heard*  
  
Nick: Oh dear...he's not coming out for a long time...  
  
*in the van, everything is told and they are driving home*  
  
Sarah: He was a worse date than I was. He's gotta admit it.  
  
Oly: You were brilliant. But you were rubbish on purpose, I know it.  
  
Sarah: I hate him...*sulks*  
  
Oly: *kisses Sarah on the cheek* Now we should have a plan.  
  
Jackie: People, you do know Richard hasn't seen the Italian Job.  
  
Nick: ...YES!  
  
Oly: We're not screwed then.  
  
Edd: *dances with joy* Woopee...can't touch this.  
  
*Can't Touch This starts playing*  
  
Edd: Can't touch this...  
  
Nick: Stop the music!  
  
*music stops as if the disk was stopped by a DJ*  
  
Nick: Let's get some shut eye and then we're waking up...early.  
  
Oly: I don't do mornings.  
  
Nick: Tough.  
  
*next morning*  
  
Oly: ...and that's what we do.  
  
Nick: Ok. Let's go then!  
  
*go into minis*  
  
*I believe i a thing called love starts playing as the minis switch on their engines*  
  
Edd: Traffic controls...and I'm in.  
  
Jackie: Good news. There's a football match today. *starts typing again*  
  
Edd: Right. Where are you lot now?  
  
Sarah: I'm in Oxford Circus...ooooh, Topshop has a sale...Jackie, you and me are going in there before it closes at 4.  
  
Jackie: Hello kittey?  
  
Sarah: Hell yeah!  
  
Jackie: Good good.  
  
Nick: I'm just outside Liverpool Street Station. Hurry up, the policeman would probably want me to move.   
  
Edd: Nick, go to Bank. Sarah, go towards Picadilly Circus.  
  
Oly: I'm at Picadilly Circus now.  
  
Edd: Okay, everyone meet at Picadilly, then split off and go towards Westminster.  
  
*3 black vans parked in front of Richard, just outside Buckingham Palace*  
  
Richard: I might go and visit the queen later. Right, drive off, you know what to do.  
  
Van drivers: *in a dead tone* Yes master. *drives off*  
  
Richard: They'll never get the gold...*evil laugh*  
  
*Westminster*  
  
Oly: GO TEAM!  
  
Sarah: So how do you know which one's which?  
  
Edd: Lemme check...that one drops down the most. It's the one with RSC at the end.  
  
Nick: Isn't that Richard's initials? Richard Stephen Cottrell?  
  
Jackie: Twat.   
  
Edd: any body else think thats a bit to convienient?  
  
Jackie: yeah  
  
everybody else: NO,   
  
Sarah: he doesn't have that much imagination  
  
Oly: Let's roll.  
  
Edd: Ok, Oly, go towards the Tower Bridge. They're trying to get to the airport, I know.  
  
Oly: Gotcha.  
  
Edd: Nick, go to the underground of the nearest underground of the Tower Bridge, you know what to do there.   
  
Nick: Right. *drives off*  
  
Edd: And Sarah, you go with Oly then go in the opposite direction to him.  
  
Jackie: You'll understand after a while.  
  
Edd: Jackie, take the motorbike, I'm a little bit suspiscious about this.   
  
Jackie: gotcha  
  
*Jackie grabs a motor bike and zooms out of the ware house*  
  
Edd: time i called an old friend *picks up phone*  
  
Edd: (into phone) hey rob, long time no see, well, you know that new job you have..... well........  
  
*scene: Van TGH*  
  
Driver 1: I'm bored...  
  
*scene: Van GIT*  
  
Driver 2: I'm bored...  
  
*scene: Van RSC*  
  
Driver 3: I have the gold...hmmm...could I run away?  
  
Edd: *typing at computer* red lights.  
  
Driver 3: Dammit! I can't get through!  
  
Edd: I command you to go left.   
  
Driver 3: Oh good, a green arrow to the left...wait...isn't this a little bit suspicious?! Ah well...I have to get there some  
  
day. *turns left*  
  
Edd: They'll never know.  
  
*scene: Mini 1*  
  
Oly: I need music...now. I hate traffic jams...mmm...jam...  
  
Radio: and this is 95, 5 , 5 fm, in an abandoned warehouse  
  
Oly: I thought the radios where are comunication?  
  
Radio/Edd: They are, head for that abandoned warehouse, its a short cut  
  
Oly: Oh, right, but what about the lights?  
  
Edd: what about them?  
  
Oly: bwuh?  
  
*the lights suddenley change to green, letting Oli go straight through the ware house to tower bridge, then as  
  
soon as he's through, they go red again*  
  
*scene: motorbike*  
  
*a motor bike skids past the van TGH and the   
  
motorcyclist drops what looks like jackie's spy cam through the "open" back window, she then zooms off*  
  
*scene: mini 2*  
  
*sarah drives away from tower bridge down a ramp to the docks, where she goes up another ramp, and skids to  
  
a halt on a boat*  
  
sarah: Scossi in position  
  
*scene: Mini 1*  
  
*Oli skids onto the bridge, as Edd shuts the barrier behind him and the truck comes on the other side*  
  
Oli: Targit in position, and so's the van  
  
*scene: country lane, just outside london*  
  
* a motorist lobs a brick through the back window of a van with the lisence plate "GIT" followed by a smaller package*  
  
*scene: Nick*  
  
Nick: Okay, Spud's in position, now wheres wacky?  
  
*scene: Tower bridge*  
  
*a motor cycle zooms up the ramp like struts of tower bridge, and just as it gets to the top walk way...*  
  
Bomb: BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*a square section of the bridge drops away carrying with it a van, this lands on the boat just going under the bridge,  
  
and the motor cyclist knocks a big sheet of metal from the top of the bridge which falls, perfectly covering the hole*  
  
*scene: boat*  
  
*Sarah fires a dart gun at the driver of the van, he falls asleep*  
  
Nick: Sarah, get to work on the safe  
  
Sarah: right, oh no, it's the wrong type of safe o boohoo, i cant do this using my normal methods, so ill use my tarot  
  
cards to find out what to do  
  
Tarot cards:woooo  
  
Robin's ghost: woooo, i'm going to posses u and do the lock my way.  
  
*Robin Posses sarah*  
  
Robin/sarah: hey cool, I'm a girl now, *lifts up top and looks underneath, wicked*  
  
Nick: get to work, if i cant have fun why can you?  
  
Robin: okay, 3, 72, 84, got it, byesey bye  
  
*robin dissappears*  
  
Sarah: Ooo, Robin!!!!  
  
*boat docks next to the underground, Sarah opens the safe to find...*  
  
Sarah: Oh no, it's all lead, the basted, edd was right!! but I wrote the script, so this shouldn't be happening!!!  
  
*Nick and sarah jump in their cars and drive off*  
  
*Scene: Sarahs mini*  
  
Sarah: (into radio) Edd, Oli, Jackie, Edd was right, there was no gold in that van, it was a fake  
  
Edd: Just as I suspected, okay, guys plan b, go go go  
  
Sarah and Nick: What's plan B?  
  
*we hear a motor start up in the background  
  
Edd: follow the tracking devices in your minis. You'll understand when you get there  
  
*the song, 'louie louie' starts up in the back ground*  
  
Edd: lets go  
  
*Scene: country lane*  
  
Oli: this is my favourite part, remember the spare explosives from earlier?  
  
*a van is driving along, behind it is another van*  
  
*the van behind trys to over take, and while passing the van shoots a dart at the driver, the driver falls asleep.*  
  
*then Oli, performing a complex manover, stands up on his seat and fires a home made rocket launcher at the rear   
  
doors of the van, and sits back down and carries on driving. The back doors of the van open, and a safe on a wheely   
  
platform, falls off the back, and the mini swerves to avoid it. Meanwhile the gadget on the top fires a grappling hook   
  
at the mini, where it catches.*  
  
*Scene: country lane, different view point.*  
  
*A van comes slowly round the corner, and Jackie opens its back doors, and drops a ramp., the mini comes speeding   
  
round the corner, then the safe detatches itself from the mini, and carries on with momentum up the ramp into the van.   
  
Jackie then retracts the ramp and shuts the doors, and they speed up, to meet up with the others.*  
  
*scene: Piccadilly circus*  
  
*an empty car transporter is driving round the square in front of a van, which is being chased by 2 minis, another mini,   
  
and another van come up behind them*  
  
*The traffic lights go red*  
  
*The transporter suddenley brakes, the first van cant see the red lights, and doesnt start breaking untill its half way up   
  
the ramp, the first 2 minis drive up behind it as the transporte starts moving again, raising its ramp as it move, then the  
  
3rd mini and the second van go up onto the rear of the transporter.  
  
*As the transporter moves through london, every traffic light turns green in front of it, a woman climbs out of one   
  
of the minis on the roof, gets possessed by a ghost and climbs down, into the second van, a man with flaming orange   
  
hair climbs out of the first mini, walks up to the window of the van and fires a tranquiliser gun through it.*  
  
* A Helicopter comes out from behind a building*  
  
Richard: Damn My ploy almost worked, I thought they were to stupid to guess my grand master plan, but I have to   
  
stop that transporter and get my van back,   
  
*The orange headed man, walks back to his mini and pulls out a rifle, with no where to lie down or crouch, he has to   
  
aim standing up, he brings it round to bear on the helicopter, and just as he's about to fire, the transporter turns a   
  
corner.*  
  
*while this is going on, the door of the mini on the lower section opens, and out steps Oli, he climbs up onto the top   
  
part of the car carrier, followed by sarah, and he carefully lays explosives on the van door, they back off. He looks at   
  
his watch, presses a button on a remote, and the doors blow off. Sarah gets to work on the safe*  
  
*Edd and Jackie, meanwhile are loading the gold from the van into the lower mini, then they take laptops and stuff   
  
from the van and pass them up to Oli, who loads them into a mini on the roof.*  
  
Sarah: I can't do it, it clicks all the time so i cant here it, and i cant drill inside, forward Oli with the explosives  
  
Edd: (through ear piece), hurry up people, we're almost at the cliff  
  
*Oli steps forward and blows up the safe, they load the gold into the remaining minis. Nick starts aiming for the  
  
bullseye logo on the helicopter and misses. then he jumps into the rearmost mini. Edd climbs into the mini down   
  
below, while, Jackie climbed up into Nick's car.*  
  
Jackie: don't get any ideas bozo, i'm eddies girl  
  
Nick: Perish the thought  
  
*Oli and sarah get in the last mini asthe transport driver wedges a brick on the accelerator, jumps out of the ca and  
  
runs to Edd's mini.*  
  
Rob: Let's go  
  
Edd:(through ear piece), okay in 3  
  
*Richard in his helicopter speeds up to catch up with the careening transporter*  
  
Edd: 2  
  
* The minis rev their engines.*  
  
Oli:(to Sarah) marry me.  
  
Edd: 1  
  
*Edd reverses off the back of the truck and pulls a perfect 180 handbrake turn, and speeds off in the opposite   
  
direction, he's closely followed by the other minis, which fly off the top, and follow Edd. *  
  
*Just as the last mini leaps backwards off the transport, it crashes into a cliff wall, closely followed by richard's   
  
helicopter.*  
  
Transporter:BOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Helicopter: BOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Richard: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(show off) gurgle *dies*  
  
********************************************************1 week later**********************************************************************  
  
(back in woodbridge)  
  
Church Bells: DING DONG DING DONG  
  
*everybody throws confetti over the new Mr. and Mrs. Howse*  
  
Edd: well, that was a load of fun, how much money did we make??  
  
Oli : Well the gold was just enough money to pay for all the stuff we bought since Richard Nicked it off us, the jet ski,  
  
the minis, the parts for jackie's gadgets, the van the transport and so on. Richard had spent the rest  
  
Jackie: That all?  
  
Sarah : well, there was 6 bars of gold left, 1 for each of us, including Edd's friend Rob who just drove a car transporter  
  
Edd: but a bar of gold is worth plenty of money right???  
  
Sarah: Yes  
  
Nick: enough to buy a new gun?  
  
Sarah: Yes  
  
Rob:enough to buy a snowman  
  
Sarah: probably  
  
Jackie: enough to buy an internet cafe?  
  
Sarah: Yes  
  
Edd: enough to buy a cool new laptop?  
  
Sarah: Yes  
  
Everybody: YAY  
  
Sarah: so Oli, you're rich, you have a new wife, and shes promising to do any thing you want for one day, what are you  
  
going to do??  
  
*the music for 'I'm a believer' by the monkees starts up*  
  
**Oli Waggles his eyebrows**  
  
********************************************************************************************************************************************  
  
*the camera zooms out from Oli's face to see the 5 are on stage, Oli on the drums, Jackie and nick on guitar, and   
  
Sarah on keyboard, with Edd just banging a cynbal and singing.*  
  
Edd: (singing) I thought love was only true in fairy tales!!!!  
  
Oli: (singing) ment for someone else but not for me!!!  
  
Jackie and sarah:(to their respective partners) : (singing) life was out to get me  
  
Nick: (singing) doodoodoodooo  
  
Edd: (singing) thats the way it seems  
  
Oli: (singing) dissapointment haunted on my dreams   
  
Nick : (singing) doo  
  
everyone but nick: (singing) Then I saw her (his) face  
  
Nick: (singing)nah nah nah nah  
  
everyone but nick: (singing) Now I'm a believer  
  
Nick: HEY  
  
everyone but nick: (singing) Not a trace  
  
Nick: nah nahnah nah  
  
everyone but nick: (singing) Of a doubt in my mind, I'm in love  
  
Nick: OOOOOoooooooh  
  
Edd and Oli: (singing) Im a believer i cudnt leave her if i tried  
  
Oli: THEN I SAW HER FAAACE  
  
*Edd and Jackie sneak off the stage*  
  
Everybody thats left: NOW IM A BELIEVER  
  
Nick: Hey  
  
Everybody thats left: Not a trace  
  
Nick:listen  
  
Everybody thats left: Of A DOUBT IN MY MIND  
  
Oli: I'm in looooooove  
  
Everybody thats left:Im a believer  
  
*nick sneaks off and oli picks up a guitar and does a solo*  
  
Oli: IbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieve  
  
(Sarah in background):I believe  
  
Oli;IbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieveimabeliever HEY  
  
Oli: Yo sing with me I BE-LIEVE, I BE-LIEVE, (people at the back) I BE-LIEVE; IM A BELIEVER   
  
Oli (laughing: oh, o thats funny, oh, oh, i cant breath i cant breath *passes out* 


End file.
